What’s happened in the 15 years since the last Guns N’ Roses album? Photograph: Robert Paul/PA
23/11/93 On the day that The Spaghetti Incident is released, Miley Cyrus celebrates her first birthday.
21/1/94 Lorena Bobbitt is found not guilty of cutting her husband’s winky off, despite the fact that she did it.
5/4/94 Kurt Cobain commits suicide at the age of 27. You can make a gag if you like, but we’re buggered if we’re going to.
10/5/94 Nelson Mandela becomes South Africa’s first black president, paving the way for a meeting with the Spice Girls.
30/8/94 Oasis release their debut album Definitely Maybe. Whatever happened to them, eh folks?
3/9/94 Russia and the People’s Republic of China sign an agreement to stop targeting their nuclear weapons against each other. “Bugger, we were enjoying that,” thinks the United States.
23/9/94 Quentin Tarantino’s Pulp Fiction premieres in the US.
25/1/95 Eric Cantona karate kicks a Palace fan for being mean to him.
27/3/95 Tom Hanks wins the Best Actor Oscar for Forrest Gump, despite the fact that all he does is talk a bit slow wearing a funny suit.
3/9/95 eBay is founded. Copies of The Spaghetti Incident are traded for as little as $2 a piece.
3/10/95 OJ Simpson is found not guilty of the murder of his wife and one of her gentlemen friends.
29/1/96 French president Jacques Chirac announces an end to French nuclear testing.
13/2/96 In another crushing blow for music Take That announce they are to split.
28/2/96 Alanis Morissette wins a Grammy Award for her album Jagged Little Pill. Ah, truly those were different times.
25/3/96 Braveheart, the factually ridiculous English-hating epic by reactionary bigot Mel Gibson, wins Best Picture at the Oscars.
8/6/96 England play host to Euro 96, and fail to win.
8/7/96 The Spice Girls release their debut single, Wannabe, revealing that all they really want is a zig-a-zig-aah. But then don’t we all?
18/11/96 Bird expert Tony Silva is sentenced to seven years in prison for his part in an illegal parrot smuggling ring. No, we’re not making this up.
22/2/97 Scientists announce the successful cloning of a sheep called Dolly. Comedians have a field day.
2/5/97 Tony Blair is voted into office, on account of the fact that he just seems like a really nice man.
3/5/97 … and just a day later, Katrina and the Waves win the Eurovision song contest. Yes! In your face!
11/5/97 A computer beats Garry Kasparov at chess. “Oh dear,” mankind thinks to itself.
26/6/97 Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone hits the shelves.
31/8/97 Princess Diana dies following a car crash in Paris.
22/11/97 Singer Michael Hutchence dies of sex.
17/1/98 Bill Clinton is accused of sexual harassment.
23/3/98 Titanic wins a record 11 Oscars, despite the fact it’s rubbish.
7/4/98 George Michael is arrested for lewd conduct following some naughty behaviour in an LA loo.
26/5/98 Bear Grylls becomes the youngest man to climb Everest, paving the way for a glittering career in made-up survival telly.
19/8/98 Bill Clinton admits to an “improper physical relationship” with Monica Lewinsky. She blew him, in other words.
4/9/98 The search engine Google is founded, affording journalists the world over the opportunity to never do any work again.
23/10/98 Britney Spears releases Baby One More Time.
1/3/99 Geffen Records’ deadline for the early release of Chinese Democracy, which would have netted Axl Rose a $1m bonus, passes.
17/3/99 Rod Hull dies.
21/3/99 Ernie Wise dies. Enough light-entertainer death, already!
20/4/99 Marilyn Manson orchestrates the Columbine High School massacre.
26/5/99 Manchester United win the Champions League.
4/7/99 David Beckham and Victoria Adams from out of the Spice Girls marry in a big castle.
11/8/99 A total solar eclipse occurs. Everyone goes, “Ooooh!”
1/1/00 The 21st century begins, unless you’re one of those pedantic twerps who points out that it doesn’t actually start until 2001.
2/1/00 People finally stop using the phrase “Y2K”.
17/2/00 Windows 2000 is out.
5/7/00 Tony Blair’s 16-year-old son Euan is arrested for being “drunk and incapable” in London.
31/12/00 The Millenium Dome closes. A nation weeps.
1/1/01 “Right, NOW it’s the 21st century,” say pedantic twerps.
1/1/01 Guns N’Roses play a gig at the Chicago House Of Blues, their first live concert for seven years.
15/1/01 Wikipedia, without which this article simply wouldn’t exist, is launched.
20/1/01 George W Bush becomes president of US. “Is this some kind of joke?” asks rest of the world.
25/3/01 Gladiator wins the Best Picture Oscar, in a rare example of taste from the Academy.
7/6/01 Labour win general election; Tony Blair still really, really nice.
2/7/01 World’s first artificial heart implanted in a human being. Aren’t we clever?
11/9/01 We had something written down for this one, but we’ve forgotten what it was.
15/2/02 The Britney Spears movie Crossroads is released. It’s rubbish.
30/3/02 The Queen Mother dies at the age of 101.
2/10/02 A sniper randomly shoots members of the public in Maryland.
19/10/02 Wayne Rooney becomes the youngest ever Premier League goalscorer with a wonder goal against Arsenal.
16/12/02 Popstars: The Rivals winners One True Voice release debut single Sacred Trust, but are beaten to the top spot by Girls Aloud’s Sound Of The Underground.
22/12/02 Joe Strummer dies.
1/2/03 The Columbia space shuttle explodes on re-entry to the earth’s atmosphere, killing seven crew members and nine golden orb weaver spiders. Fact!
9/2/03 Great news for substandard comedians everywhere as BBC3 commences broadcasts.
23/3/03 Chicago wins Best Picture at the Oscars. Sigh …
22/6/03 The largest hailstone ever recorded lands in Nebraska.
18/11/03 George W Bush visits London, and finds it less than friendly.
20/11/03 Michael Jackson is arrested on absurd charges of child molestation.
22/11/03 England win the rugby World Cup, beating Australia.
4/2/04 The website Facebook is launched, affording co-workers the world over the opportunity to send each other virtual rubber chickens.
29/2/04 The Return of the King wins 11 Oscars, which means it’s officially as good as Titanic.
19/5/04 Tony Blair hit by a flour bomb in the House Of Commons. A nation wets itself laughing.
8/6/04 Velvet Revolver, featuring ex-Gunners Slash and Duff McKagan, release debut album Contraband.
28/9/04 Wayne Rooney scores a hat-trick on his Manchester United debut against Fenerbahce.
2/11/04 Eleven US states ban gay marriage. God bless America!
17/12/04 The Libertines play their final ever gig together.
15/2/05 YouTube goes online.
14/3/05 Peter Kay and Tony Christie release Is This The Way To Amarillo?
25/5/05 Liverpool win the Champions League final.
13/6/05 Michael Jackson acquitted of all charges. See, we told you.
26/6/05 Richard Whiteley dies at the age of 61, sadly not accompanied by the sound of the Countdown clock grinding to a halt.
1/7/05 Being Jordan by Katie Price flies off the shelves after the paperback edition is published.
12/9/05 The England cricket team dramatically win The Ashes. Everybody pretends to have loved cricket all along.
25/11/05 Take That reform. All is once more well with the world.
20/1/06 The first High School Musical is released.
5/5/06 Axl Rose appears on radio and states with absolute authority that Chinese Democracy will definitely be released this year.
15/7/06 Cheryl Tweedy and Ashley Cole get married. Bizarrely, they don’t do it in a castle.
30/7/06 Top Of The Pops airs for the final time.
14/12/06 Axl Rose announces to fans that all these gigs they are playing are delaying the release of Chinese Democracy.
17/2/07 Britney Spears shaves her own hair off in a beauty parlour. “She got a little bit teary-eyed,” notes the proprietor, astutely.
6/3/07 The slated release date of Chinese Democracy passes without any sign of any product.
29/3/07 Rihanna releases the single Umbrella in the US. No Guns N’Roses fans buy it.
18/5/07 Singer Amy Winehouse marries enabling narcotic leech Blake Fielder-Civil.
18/6/07 Bernard Manning dies.
17/8/07 High School Musical 2 is released. It is, to the naked eye, very similar to the original.
9/9/07 Britney Spears performs Gimme More at the MTV Video Music Awards. With a wig on.
29/4/08 Mel B announces that the Spice Girls will regretfully not reform for Mandela’s 90th birthday.
21/5/08 Manchester Utd win the Champions League.
12/6/08 Wayne Rooney and Colleen McLoughlin marry in a 17th-century Italian castle. Obviously.
10/9/08 The Large Hadron Collider is started up, despite the possibility that it may create a giant black hole into which all life on Earth may instantaneously vanish.
19/9/08 The Large Hadron Collider breaks down. Nobody is very upset.
22/10/08 The title track of Chinese Democracy is played on the radio for the first time. The reaction is massively underwhelming.
22/10/08 High School Musical 3: Senior Year is released. Guardian film reviewer Peter Bradshaw notes that “it makes cellophane taste like chicken jalfrezi”.
4/11/08 Barack Obama is voted in as the first black President of the United States. Unless something really weird happens. We’ll have already gone to press, see?
– – – Chinese Democracy is out on Nov 24.
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